Jesus Eclipse
(Written a few Years ago) I have had a perfectly terrible year so far. I can not remember a time with more pain and trials. I have ached, mourned, grieved, and my whole family has felt totally betrayed by people we once called friends. I have cried an insane amount of tears, while at the same time wondering how my body could create such sounds, as guttural heaving sobs came out of me. I’ve been totally broken, a huge mess. Desperate for Jesus to show me a glimmer of what it has all been for.
One morning when I could not take anymore I broke down in the shower begging God for it all to be done. I cried out that I couldn’t give anything else. Tears and snot rolled into the drain as the hot water ran over me, and yet Jesus asked me to worship Him. I raised my hands with what little strength I had in that moment and sang a song of praise. I sang it loud even as I continued to sob. It was hard. But it was simple, and Jesus asked, so I obeyed. He told me that I have loved His people, and loved them well. And now I knew what it was like to be betrayed by the same people that I was sent to love. The Lord said He was giving me the smallest taste of Jesus’ betrayal as He walked to Golgotha. I can’t even imagine the magnification of that pain, as the world’s sin and betrayal hit Jesus on the cross.
I keep bringing all my brokenness to Jesus. Because, right now it is all I have to offer Him. I bring my pain to the cross, my need to forgive, my unwillingness to forgive, my desire for retribution, my desire to see others fall on their faces, my desire for justice, my desire for truth. I dump it all at His feet, hoping He can turn my ashes into some kind of beauty. Because I know He can. Truly, only He can. I continually cling to that passage in John chapter 6 when Jesus has just declared that to really follow Him, we must eat His flesh and drink His blood. Many of his followers said that this truth was too hard and ended up walking away. Jesus then turned to His disciples and said will you be leaving too? And Peter answered, “Lord, if we were to go, whom would we follow? You speak the words that give everlasting life. We believe and recognize that You are the Holy One sent by God.” (John 6: 68-69 The Voice) I cry out with a hearty ‘YES!’ everytime I read those words. Peter is right - there is absolutely nowhere else to go. NOWHERE. Jesus is the only source of life. I must turn toward Him and learn how to truly consume Him, to find the everlasting life He offers me right now in the middle of my mess.
How do I consume Him? How do I drink His blood and eat His flesh? Truly, how do I taste and see that He is so deeply good? I ask these questions as I am reminded again of Philippians 3: 7-11 (The Voice), “But whatever I used to count as my greatest accomplishments, I’ve written them off as a loss because of the Anointed One. And more so, I now realize that all I gained and thought was important was nothing but yesterday’s garbage compared to knowing the Anointed Jesus my Lord. For Him I have thrown everything aside—it’s nothing but a pile of waste—so that I may gain Him. When it counts, I want to be found belonging to Him, not clinging to my own righteousness based on law, but actively relying on the faithfulness of the Anointed One. This is true righteousness, supplied by God, acquired by faith. I want to know Him inside and out. I want to experience the power of His resurrection and join in His suffering, shaped by His death, so that I may arrive safely at the resurrection from the dead.”
I am being shaped by His death, even as He conforms some of my life to resemble that death. Everything else must be counted as loss in comparison with Christ. My husband, my children, my ministry, my church, my home, my reputation, my friends. EVERYTHING. Jesus must eclipse all. He must be my ALL. And I want to know Him inside and out, I want His righteousness to envelop me. But is my vision this clear? I would have to say ‘no’, because I do not know how to pray yet as Jesus did, “Not my will but Yours be done.” As this massive stripping has been wrought in my life, Jesus has continually asked me to let Him be bigger than it all. ‘Worship Me, worship Me, worship Me’, He has said over and over again at different points. ‘Let Me be bigger than the pain and hurt, let Me be bigger than even the good things I asked you to desire along with Me’. Jesus must be singular in my heart. He has allowed me to share in His sufferings, but now I must not get lost in that suffering. He wants me on the lookout for the power of His resurrection that will come shining through and rescue. This life is not the end if you are a Christ-follower, our end promises glory beyond our imagining. And not because there will be streets of gold and loved ones there, but because He - JESUS - will be our light, our everything. He will eclipse all else with His glorious beauty, majesty, and total fullness!
Jesus, I lay down again the things I think I want and need and ask you just to be so close. Allow me to feel Your overwhelming presence. Drown me in Your Spirit. Let Your living water wash me and refresh me. Lead me to deep and lasting repentance which brings such freedom. Let the oil of Your gladness be poured out to salve my wounds and reignite the fire of this living sacrifice. Jesus, I want Your vision to fill my eyes, and Your song to fill my ears. Let me totally consume You, take You in and become other than I am. You are all, my portion, my prize, my inheritance. Eclipse everything but You.