I Am Being Healed… My Testimony So Far (part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1 - you may want to first… here’s the link:

https://www.equinoxbiblicalcounseling.com/blog/i-am-being-healed-my-testimony-part-1

So Easter Sunday came and by the end of the day I was quite disappointed. Even more than disappointed though, I was wondering what in the world God was up to. Because that night at the beginning of Lent when I went seeking the Lord … I only thought He would deliver me from the fear I was experiencing and that He would comfort me. Instead, He led me into experiencing a healing and praying commanding prayers over my body, and then a 40 day time of regularly praying over myself for healing. I didn’t really ask for that per se, I was just following Jesus’ lead. My problem was that I was expecting the normal result of praying for healing … I was expecting to actually be healed! Even now I do not think that’s a crazy ask … Especially since Jesus healed all who came to Him. So I threw my hands and said, “What the heck was all of that?” 

My answer started coming in a couple of days. I was led into many conversations with friends about food and health and one friend mentioned the word ‘autophagy.’ I knew sort of what autophagy meant because I taught high school biology that home-school year… but then that word would NOT leave my mind. It was always there - I even dreamt about it! I said to the Lord, “Message received!” and went to go learn more about autophagy! I started in the usual place - Google - and came across a video by Dr. Eric Berg and dove in. Autophagy is the state your body enters when fasting, your body begins to clean up all the broken down cells, proteins, and toxins that can linger in your body. It is God’s natural way of cleaning up junk that can begin to clog up all your systems. Pretty soon, after watching a few videos on intermittent fasting, healthy keto, and of course autophagy… I was convinced that putting my body into a state of autophagy seemed totally essential. I didn’t even think about it much. I gave myself the weekend to prepare and gave God a month to show me something. I basically said, “If I don’t feel better, and lose some weight, I just know I will NOT stick to this.” The process involved A LOT of salad. Yipee!?? I like salad, but man, everyday? Geesh. 

So the fasting and the giant organic salads began right at the beginning of May. I was just being obedient to what I believed the Lord was calling me into. I literally had very little expectation. BUT within 1 week … I felt markedly better. And I mean by about 25-50% better. That was huge. I couldn’t have imagined feeling that much better so quickly. If I am being honest, I believe the Lord gave that a huge boost so I would keep up with it, because there was no way it could have helped that much so quickly. Even though I was very consistent all that month, I only lost 4 lbs. How was that even possible - dang! so frustrating!? I told the Lord, ‘Man if I do not lose more weight, I know I am going to struggle to keep this going.” Plus as the month progressed, I did not receive more pain reduction, that remained static, it hadn’t changed since that first week. Regardless, I felt led by the Lord to commit to another month.

So June rolled in and rolled out and I only lost 6 more pounds. Pain stayed the same. And though I was not at the point yet of entirely hating salad (actually I had learned to embrace it!) I knew something else was needed. But what?

July was rolling in, and I decided to go even deeper into the fasting. I went down to only one meal a day. And yes, most of that was still salad! 

BUT THEN SOMETHING SHIFTED.

I started having visions from the Lord. 

I became very aware of a little girl inside of me that was crying in these visions. It was me - when I was 2 years old.

So let me give you some context. In real life - not in the visions - when I was 2, I got lost in the mall. I had thought I was following my Mom and at a perfume counter in a department store, I looked up at who I thought was Mom only to realize it was not her at all. I crawled under a rack of clothes and began to cry. An elderly woman saw me and asked if I was lost, nodding through tears and said yes. She and the sales lady put me high on a bench to see if I could see my Mom in the store. She was nowhere. That was all I remembered. It was this little version of myself that was crying inside of me. Now, the Lord had also brought up this memory to me 10 years prior… it was so vivid, that at the time, I called and asked my Mom about it. She said that I was lost for 45 mins to an hour and was on the other side of the mall from her. They had all the mall cops out looking for me. She was a mess. I must have followed someone I thought was my mom all the way down the mall. 

The thing is … even though logically I knew I was reunited with my Mom… something about my little 2-year-old-self did not heal. She was still lost and crying inside of me. So when the Lord brought up this vision of my little-lost-self… I recognized her right away. But man, I was not happy about this vision! 

So also 10 years ago, when the Lord had first brought up that vivid memory of being lost, that’s when I first called my Mom to get her perspective on the story which I detailed above. At that time, I was just finishing up my first year of the Dark Night of the Soul (and I didn’t even know what that was yet! - It is a season imposed by the Lord, where He removes His presence, to deeply purge your soul of junk, coined by St. John of the Cross in the 1500’s. It is a deeply painful experience… but the purging is worth it in the end). The next day, Jesus broke through His silence during church and showed me my little 2-year-old-self lost and alone and crying in the mall. Jesus was standing behind 2-year-old-me and did not move to pick me up or rescue me at all. Adult-me was watching this all with pure disgust and I screamed at Jesus and said… “What kind of f-ing Father doesn’t pick up His kid?” 

I am just trying to be real… that is what I said - asked - accused. The Lord was gracious even as I accused Him… and a bit later after showing me many things I needed at that moment in time… He gave me a physical hug from behind… I could feel real arms wrap around me and squeeze. A real hug I could feel. It was so amazing and it kept me going on my Dark Night path for a while. 

Sorry … this can get a bit complicated going back and forth in time to tell this part of the story! But those pieces are vital to what is coming ahead. 

So back to the visions from last summer! Jesus is showing up again with the little 2-year-old version of me … and she’s still crying and lost. And He is still standing behind her not swooping her up in His arms! The adult version of me looks in and I am monumentally pissed at Jesus once again … what the crap? Why haven’t you fixed her yet? I dove into the vision, picked up my little self and threw her into Jesus’ arms and stalked over to sit on a bench there in the mall… I was fuming mad. 

Jesus calmly carried my little-me and came to sit on the bench next to the adult-me. And ever so quietly, He said, “I want you to honor her.” 

I am pretty sure in the vision - I rolled my eyes and said, “WHAT!? What does that even mean?” 

He just repeated himself, “I want you to honor her.”

That vision ended… But Jesus was far from done… I kept getting drawn into these visions over the next week or more. 

During that week, I was complaining/explaining this vision to a friend, as I did, I also complained about Jesus in general, never feeling like He is my comforter. The grace from that hug was long gone, and I had been floundering around for years feeling like I completely lacked any comfort from Him. She challenged me - rightly! - to align myself with the Word. She said, “Aimee… but that is not what the Word teaches us… He IS our comforter…that IS WHO HE IS. You have to come to rest in the truth.” 

She was right! So I dove back into the visions with the Lord in prayer after confessing and repenting of my sin! Jesus welcomed me into the scene where my little-self was turned away from Him and she was breaking down in fear and wild with tears. I watched for a minute and Jesus told me to have compassion for her. I walked over to her and knelt down and hugged her. She was so scared and slobbery… I hugged her until she slowed down to those heaving breaths that come after heavy tears. I told her that she was OK. We had found Mom and all was well. I told her that I loved her. I comforted her like a mother would comfort a child and she settled. 

Then in another vision a couple of days later, the Lord said we were not done. He drew me back into the last scene … and encouraged me on. I looked at her for a minute and then I realized she was still turned away from Jesus. I was still kneeling next to her and so I gently grabbed her shoulders and began to turn her around and as I did told her this: “Look! He has been here the whole time! You were not alone! He has been watching over you. His name is Jesus! And He is good! He is always good! He loves us and He wants you to be safe and happy. You couldn’t see Him because you were looking the wrong way. Though our Mom is good and we love her … she is not who you need. You just need Jesus. He is everything you need.” 

We both stood up then and moved into a big hug with Jesus … and Jesus said to me … “Aimee she needed to look and find me, she/you needed to understand the truth… That I am always here. She needed to stop looking away from me, and turn toward me.” And as we hugged Jesus, little me was reabsorbed into adult-me. She was now safe and happy, no longer lost, no longer crying. Just the part of me that she was always meant to be… found in Jesus. 

How on earth could I have possibly known that this inner-healing needed to be done? I certainly did not plan for it … but Jesus knew I needed it and led me into a fast to help me get there! I lost 10 pounds that one week… and the Lord later told me it was because my little-self got healed… and fasting was just the necessary pathway. Wow. My little 2 year old self needed the truth of Jesus to rest in her soul. Truly, I can tell you I don’t understand the ‘whys’ in all of this… But I trust that Jesus does. He led me there and He led me to healing. My soul has been so much quieter since then. 

That July marked 20 pounds off my person … but the Lord was not done, nor was my fast. August also had some intense moments. My kids decided to confront me on a longstanding struggle with anger and we had a big family conversation. The Lord had led me to acknowledge to my kids a year and a half earlier that many times in their childhood I had used anger in an abusive manner. I had seen much victory over it by then, but it still was not fully healed. So in the family meeting, I stayed mostly quiet and listened to them. Not much of what they had said was a surprise to me, because I had prayed, confessed, begged and cried out to God about it countless, countless, countless times before. I had apologized to them countless times too. But something still had a grip on me… and I just didn’t get what it was… yet. But I apologized again, explained a few things, and asked for their forgiveness. Two of them were ready then and there and the third took a few weeks but broke down in church one Sunday and hugged and forgave me too. Though the whole thing was ridiculously humbling… it was so good. It has allowed the Lord to heal all of them and broke a stronghold off my life that had been there for far too long. 

Friends… these are very intimate stories… That I do not share lightly and just for fun. I am sharing because Jesus is bigger and better than all our junk, all our sin, all our struggles, all our unbelief. He is a gentle, yet very challenging healer. And His love and care sustains through the whole journey. And our healing is so much more than just managing food, supplements, doctors, and medications (though all that stuff can be good and helpful!). We are carrying around things that we are not even aware of that are affecting our hearts… but also our minds… and our bodies! It is all connected. Our inner healing affects our outer healing and vice-versa. Our inner-healing is deeply concerning to God … He has a heart of compassion to see your emotions healed, and to see you changed, safe and happy. Just like my little 2-year-old-self needed. I am sharing this because the church needs to do a deeper work, you and I as Christ-followers need to surrender more fully and with more abandon to His goodness and go wherever He is asking whether it be on the inside of us or the outside. 

You may be curious where I landed with all the fasting in the end too… I continued with that significant level of fasting into October and did not see any more weight change or pain change. However, the Lord began to open up another door to healing that I will speak of in part 3... I think in part due to all of the fasting. I have come to realize how important fasting is in general to God’s way of doing things. The denial of the body is really important because it creates space in us for whatever God would like to do. That sacrifice marks a deeper desire for more of God. Can we fast in the wrong way and with the wrong motives … of course … but we can do that with anything if we are not tethered to the Spirit of God. Fasting is a wonderful way to shout to God I want more of you and less of me. Fasting has become a regular practice for me and will continue to be as I press in deeper with Jesus. Plus, autophagy is really really essential for our bodies for healing. So fasting is good for both body and soul! Consider asking the Lord how He might want you to fast… so that you can get more of him. Literally ask, and then follow His lead!

Here is the thing, our whole selves matter to God. Our mind, our heart, and our bodies! Jesus died on the cross and rose up again to bring us a total shalom - a total healing - a total wholeness. We need more than just our souls to be saved! And the same resurrection power that rose Jesus from the grave lives in all who claim Christ … and He wants that resurrection power to actually work in and through us now. THE HOLY SPIRIT is REAL POWER. And He still heals today. But we have to be willing to go to all the hard places with Him, to untangle the web of inner healing, hindrances, and how all of that affects our outer physical healing. But first we have to surrender to His will, His way and be led to our dark inner corners and be real and honest. It is there that He WILL heal. 

He is willing - are you?